Documenting Delight: day two hundred and forty two {Things I need to remember about you}

 

Dear Harper,

           You are now two years and nine months old. Almost a three year old. You are going through a tough time at the moment, dealing with some big, big emotions when boundaries are set by your Dad or I. Right now, I am struggling to ride the storm with you. But I will of coarse, because I am your Mumma and no matter how tough it gets I need to be strong for you. Sometimes though, I am anything but strong for you. Sometimes your tantrums come with so much force that I seem to myself dissolve into a tantrum (of the adult variety). This isn’t good form, I know.

Lately I have had to do a lot of re-thinking about our parenting approach with you, but mostly I have had to look within myself and question why your tantrums grate on me. I haven’t found all the answers yet but I do know that I need to shift the way I look at your tantrums, the way I look at you. So baby these are the things I remember about you when you are lost in a tantrum:

*You are not an adult, you are a child. You haven’t learnt how to identify and regulate your feelings like I have.  I am here to teach you how to do this.

*No matter how big or small the tantrum is you aren’t acting this way in spite of me. Usually this has nothing to do with me. You don’t act this way because you want to hurt me.

*You need me to be calm, to be centred and in control. When I show that I am scared of your emotions this frightens you even more.
 

*You are not this behaviour. I need to look beyond this moment and see my loving, affectionate, caring, funny and spirited child.

*More than all of these things I remember that you are my child, and that even though at times I am challenged by you, I love you. I will always love you and help you, tantrums or no tantrums.

I hope in some way this attitude change helps us both throughout this rocky phase.

Love you my baby girl,

Mumma Bear. xxx

Documenting Delight: day one hundred and sixty two {one on one time with Mr Finn}

It has been a hard week in the little Kite household. My beautiful, confident and persistent Harper May has challenged me in ways that I didn’t think were possible over the past five days. The intensity of her tantrums and reactions to the simplest of requests can overwhelm me. They sometimes overwhelm this whole household.  I spent last night in deep reflection and on top of looking at where Harper is right now and how our parenting can help her manage her big emotions (alongside re-establishing calm to our household) I took a close look at what this week was like for Finn.  My energy was pulled almost solely towards my girl this week. Did Finn complain, whinge, act out? Nope. He helped out, he played independently when I was working through a problem Harper and he drew Harper into his play when he ordinarily would prefer to play alone. I would expect the former but I was so thankful that Finn was the latter this week.

He didn’t ask for much from me this week. He did deserve a lot more of my attention, I know that for sure. So Lach and I put it to Finn this morning that he could choose a special activity to do just with Daddy (don’t worry, Mummy + Finn time will feature later in the day) A visit to Questacon? The War Memorial? A train ride maybe? Of coarse the train ride was selected. We should have known. So the boys took a countrylink trainride from Kingston to Bungendore. A forty minute train ride for our transport-crazy boy. When Harper and I picked them up from the station Finn ran towards me with a squeal.

F: Mum, do you know what my favourite parts were?

M: What were they honey?

F: Going through tunnels, and the view.

He was basically exploding with happiness. Something so simple, but I could tell it meant a great deal to our little guy.

On the way home Lach dropped Finn and I off at the shops to end the day with some Mummy + Finn time. He looked at toys and we shared a date scone. To keep with the transport theme we caught a bus home.

Waiting for the bus to arrive we had a little chat about his day:

Me: Hey buddy, do you know why you had some one on one time with Daddy and then with Mummy today?

F: No, why?

M: Well, we wanted to make you feel special and to thank you for being so patient and helpful this week.

F: Awwwwwwww

M: What do you mean when you say ‘Awwwwwww’?

F: Awwww, I just love that.

*My sweet boy, we need to give you this time more often. I love spending time with you, letting you direct the conversation and doing things that you find fun. I will make sure our next one on one date isn't too far away. Love, Mumma Bear. x

Documenting Delight: Day eighty

There was a period of about four days last week where I stood back and noticed that Harper had mellowed a little, explosive tantrums were minimal, she was happily carrying out tasks and I even witnessed a few play periods were Harper and Finn were genuinely and lovingly getting along. It was four days and those four day have now gone.

I used to wonder what all my friend’s were talking about when they recounted their child’s tantrums when Finn was a two year old. Tantrums were never part of his make up. We were blessed by this by-passing of the ordinary toddler tantrum phase. It certainly wasn’t due to any wondrous parenting strategies we were employing, he just didn’t express his frustrations this way. Then Harper, who has been different  to Finn in more ways than I can recall, turned two and we quickly joined the ranks of all the parents of two year olds who are navigating (and trying to survive) the force that is “the tantrum”.

I’m a self-confessed parenting book devotee. I read to try and understand what my children are going through, what stages they are up to and how the heck I can try and help them through it. The thing is on an educational level I understand why tantrums occur, I work so hard to using positive discipline strategies to help Harper through them and there are days that I feel we are getting there, making breakthroughs however small. All of these things however, do not eliminate the fact that this stage has been so exhausting for me, for Lachie, for our family. Exhausting.

Here's hoping the next four day respite isn't too far away.....