Dear Harper,
You are now two years and nine
months old. Almost a three year old. You are going through a tough time at the
moment, dealing with some big, big emotions when boundaries are set by your Dad
or I. Right now, I am struggling to ride the storm with you. But I will of
coarse, because I am your Mumma and no matter how tough it gets I need to
be strong for you. Sometimes though, I am anything but strong for you. Sometimes
your tantrums come with so much force that I seem to myself dissolve into a
tantrum (of the adult variety). This isn’t good form, I know.
Lately I have had to do a lot
of re-thinking about our parenting approach with you, but mostly I have had to
look within myself and question why your tantrums grate on me. I haven’t found
all the answers yet but I do know that I need to shift the way I look at your
tantrums, the way I look at you. So baby these are the things I remember about
you when you are lost in a tantrum:
*You are not an adult, you are
a child. You haven’t learnt how to identify and regulate your feelings like I
have. I am here to teach you how to do
this.
*No matter how big or small the
tantrum is you aren’t acting this way in spite of me. Usually this has nothing
to do with me. You don’t act this way because you want to hurt me.
*You need me to be calm, to be
centred and in control. When I show that I am scared of your emotions this
frightens you even more.
*You are not this behaviour. I need to look beyond this moment and see my loving, affectionate, caring, funny and spirited child.
*More than all of these things
I remember that you are my child, and that even though at times I am challenged by you,
I love you. I will always love you and help you, tantrums or no tantrums.
I hope in some way this attitude
change helps us both throughout this rocky phase.
Love you my baby girl,
Mumma Bear. xxx
amber this is so beautiful - the images and the words. You are learning so much about yourself and your daughter and one day she will read this and be so grateful for a mother who loved her, who cared enough to be willing to evaluate what works best for her child, to look deeply within and everywhere else in order to do her very best for her daughter and give her tools which will benefit her for her whole life long. What a dedicated and inspiring mother you are - and your love and commitment to your daughter is so evident!! you are doing great, mama x
ReplyDeleteThank you Kate for your never-ending support and beautiful comment. I am one lucky lady to have you as my friend.
DeleteIt is really a learning process this parenting business hey? It is like the ultimate personal development course.
Thanks again Kate, you are a true gem :)
You're such a beautiful and caring mother! Harper is going to treasure these words someday, maybe when she's trying to understand her own little girl's tantrums. Being understood means so much, and simply being loved covers a lot. What gifts!
ReplyDeleteNicole you always say the sweetest things! Thank you.
DeleteI am trying so very hard to understand my little girl. I hope I get there one day!
Oh sweet Amber, you are one of the most inspirational mothers I know. You are doing everything possible during this trying time and I am sure Harper appreciates that when you are there for her, calm in control and being her rock when she is lost in the storm.
ReplyDeleteBrian and I have discussed tantrums with our friends here a few times and everyone unanimously agrees that it is the most difficult stage to go through - to be with our child and their very strong emotions and to keep parenting with respect and peace. Sometimes it is impossible. Don't measure yourself against some standard set by a book or even parenting approach. You are only human and sometimes you will get angry and frustrated and worried and feel guilty for the things you said and did. It will happen. But your sweet Harper will remembber that you tried ever so hard to make sure that you could do everything you wrote in your beautiful list as much as possible.
A tip that might work - if you ARE feeling frustrated just tell her. Take a minute to take a breath and be honest with her that her behaviour is frustrating you and you need to calm down a little yourself. Harper seems like the type of child who is very aware and very emotional. That she is either very UP or very DOWN. That is hard. I think I have a very similar child in my own house.
You are not alone Amber. All mama's are going through the same thing right alongside you. You are doing wonderfully in a difficult situation and you need to give yourself a pat on the back for pushing yourself to keep figuring out how to make this time work better for all of you. I am sure Harpers intensity during her tantrums will soon be outweighed by intensity in her love of you and you will see that what you are doing now, by parenting as peacefully and respectfully as possible, has paid off tenfold.
Seriously inspiring. I love when you talk about this sort of stuff on your blog. It needs to be talked about :)
xx
One of my favourite posts by far.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Amber, those photos are just breathtaking.
You are amazing xx